Bring it On

Last year flew. I had to look back over last January's blog posts just to assure myself 2010 actually happened. I'm now convinced it did.

A new year seems to get my mind contemplating the old year. What I did not achieve, what I had not planned on achieving and the many moments that were achieved. Success, depending on how you look at it. The end of each year never entails what we imagine it would at the first of it. At least not ever for me. There are always turns, hills, valleys and bumps never planned on. Having precise control might be boring anyway.

-----

The past few days have been a jumble of thoughts:

Live one day at a time. Do all you can each day and be content in your work whether complete or incomplete. Let someone else be Superwoman, you can be SuperJen, just the way you are.

Grandpa's been gone a year. I have admired Grandma for her strength and happiness in spite of heartache. 

Would I be as stalwart as her? Am I now? I could do better- learn from her example.

Life is only as good as we make it. We get out of relationships only what we put into them. Am I invested as much as I need to be?

Where did the tail end of 2010 go? Will I ever feel like I have enough energy again? I need a steady sleep pattern. I need more patience, more organization, more muscle, less fat; I need more/better sleep so I feel like running... at any capacity or speed, again.

Ola and I

Jesi and Vanessa

I have been blessed with a solid group of friends during these past two years. I've needed them, and I think they've needed me. Not a day goes by that I do not thank God for orchestrating His magic in joining us together. I feel it each time we laugh and cry together. Each time we strengthen, uplift, help and encourage one another. Each time we run away and leave mommyhood behind for a few hours or a few days of acting like the genuine crazy people we are. I love these ladies for their spunk, honesty, authenticity,
                                                                           acceptance, and non drama.

I should attempt some goals; physical, mental, spiritual, educational, maternal. Actually write them down and commit.

Studying and teaching the New Testament this year excites me. I guess I have made two goals. The first, to read the NT entirely this year, even the lessons I do not teach; and second, not to cry every time I share my testimony of Christ. I hate crying. Especially in front of a room full of people staring at me. It is just plain awkward.

Pursue a masters in the fall or shoot for Number 4? Could I do it, either of those two? Keeping up with all that life presents is mind numbing now, but change brings growth and growth is good. Trouble is deciding which way I'm wanting to grow. I want to avoid stress, but I don't want regrets. I'll never pass through these years again, but my oh my diaper free feels like time for more education!

I need to be more proactive and positive, more carefree. Why do I fear potential inability rather than stand confidant in ability? 

Be happy where you are. Be grateful. Make adjustments with what you've been given.

Forgiveness and Acceptance

What I wish I would have had clarity to say to my mother after she told me to "go see a doctor" for telling her I didn't want to do it anymore:

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Few things bolster up enough spirit and push to keep motivated with the menial parts of life. You know those parts well if you're a mother, a housewife. We all reach a brink of enough. Where you do what needs to be done until you're blue in the face and declare with as much child-like fit as you can get away with- "I'm done", "I don't want to do it anymore" or "I quit". Spoken verbally or not.

If you're honest, you've had at least one of these moments in your committed relationships. A moment where amid tearful distress of inadequacy, failure, or boredom you believe there is more that defines you then the menial. There has got to be more!

Haven't good housewives, good mothers felt these periods of personal loss?

What about the mother idling in her filled-to-the-brim minivan next to you at the stoplight? She looks happy, content with it all. "Be happy and content" becomes your new mantra. A woman seen washing dishes and wiping continuously dirty counters in her dim lit kitchen seems normal. Could you embrace normal with a dishcloth on your shoulder and a wet rag between your fingers? You know you have talents and abilities beyond the daily grind that are screaming to get out of your head and be utilized. Energy and drive to chase your dreams until you sit down on any given surface for two minutes too long and find your mind spent from dreaming, your body tired from the toil of the menial.

Hitting the pillow you lie down with heavy eyes and heart praying that upon waking with the sunrise, you'll be given strength enough to do normal, to do content happily, one day at a time. Praying that patience will still your dreams of tomorrow for yet another season while you fulfill your dreams of yesterday. Even the menial that was hidden in the soil underneath yesterdays greener grass you wanted so badly to grow.

-----

What I expected from my mother was a you're not alone speech, a "You can do it, keep going!" An "I've been there before, in fact one time I..." or a "Mrs Full Minivan and Dirty Counter Washer at one point have felt the same way, they've just never voiced it." from my mother would have given me assurance and peace I needed from someone who was seemingly like me. I would have realized normality in my imperfections of inadequacy and self doubt sooner rather then later. All I interpreted was "YOU ARE CRAZY for feeling how you feel!"

Now I'm learning forgiveness and acceptance. Both have been equally as difficult to grasp as moments of mothering and housewifery. Forgiveness given to my mother for viewing me as nuts during my moment of need and for destroying my confidence to council with her has not come without its boundaries for the future. Acceptance in knowing that although my struggles may not be her struggles, I also accept that she continues to do her best at mothering the way she knows how. What more can I ask of her as her daughter? Is that not all I can hope my children will expect of my mothering efforts now and in their future when they say "I don't want to do it anymore" Heaven forbid if I have to retract wrong words.

The GREAT Disappointment

“I would like to beg you… as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers."
(Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet)

I'm no stranger to asking questions and expecting a direct, honest answer. Asking questions, then receiving answers, has a way of challenging my thinking, opening my consciousness to a new idea or thought process and either directly or indirectly changing me. A summation of individual growth per say. Question answer sessions have been invaluable in my life.

Living the questions is another story. This has not been my forte. "I want to know now!", is more along my idea of answer receiving- in whatever from they should come. As I have aged and begin to see more of my life- both past and present, answers are hard to come by, especially when I seek them from others, aside from myself. The struggle really does lie in learning to be patient for an answer. Again, patience not being another one of my fortes.

Trickiness comes in living the questions whose answers are out of my control to receive. I have understood ever since reading the above quote, the hardship and power of loving the questions, living them and waiting for life's answers to sum themselves up.

Never did I anticipate the emotional impact of finally receiving answers to questions I have been living for nearly two decades. Living those questions was difficult, a cat and mouse kind of game that has been exhausting- to say the least. Receiving them nearly brought to surface almost more than I could take as each puzzle piece seemed to miraculously find its perfect fit and then illuminate a whole picture.

So it is with gratitude to the whole process of asking, living my questions, and living into them, that I chalk so many up to "The GREAT disappointment" and move forward from here; thankful that although some choices brought more questions, more living of those questions, and hardships associated from living them- they also brought more faith and greater understanding.

Fourteen Days of Valentines (Much easier then 25days of Christmas Kala!)

Hallelujah! -January is gone (in actuality one more day is left- but I CAN DO IT!).
I was beginning to think January would last FOREVER!
Anyone else?

*******

I've always been a lover, especially of people. When I was young this quality made me cute. As a teen it came back to bite me. Now as an adult I've gained enough wisdom to, little by little, navigate it's wider corridor, flowing with it's ups and downs, and often times I find myself overwhelmed by the amount of love I hold for certain people.

Anyone concur?

Does this come with being a mother? A wife? Age? Wisdom? Past experiences?

*******

For my 14 days of Valentines, I want to honor those I love and let them know why. I may be a lover, but I hardly express it as often as I feel inclined to. What a great opportunity for me to reflect on so many influential people in my life, and to have it written down.

If you have ever wondered what I love about you and would like a little overdue love sent your way, leave me a comment! No holds bar here!

Happy month of LOVE!

In Remembrance.

Dan Reese Eliason

Our good neighbor Dan passed away on December 2. He was 77. The girls and I saw or spoke with Dan on a daily basis. We will miss his good conversation and congenial personality. He loved the girls and the girls loved Dan. Dan always had a kind word, or a honk and wave, and a friendly smile. In anticipation of attending his viewing services tonight (something that I dread going to, no matter the person), I have reflected on the first time I met him, a few of our times together and the many stories he shared with me.

Mick and I were new homeowners the summer of 01'. We were broke and pregnant with our first and couldn't afford a dryer. One day while I was taking advantage of the summer sun and the clothes lines hanging across the backyard, I met Dan. His back property line was adjacent to mine and we did not have a fence that separated us. As I was hanging my whites- yes, those rarely seen whites!- an old man in a cowboy hat, leaning against his side fence smoking a long cigarette said "well hey there neighbor! I'm Dan Eliason- I live in this here house". I shook his hand, introduced myself and we chit chatted it up while the laundry dried. We talked about the neighborhood, his deceased wife, his mother he was caring for, his children, when my baby was due, and about his buddy Don Smith that used to own our home. He never remarked about my undies hanging on the line and the next day I was hoping he didn't catch a glimpse of them rehung after I had to rewash them because they reeked of cigarette smoke. The good conversation was worth it. He was the first neighbor I had met.

After that day Dan and I would talk at the fence often, him knocking his bud into a rusted tin can while I worked in the yard or chased kids. A few years later we would put up a fence- not to keep Dan away, but to keep the kids at bay. I remember hoping that Dan didn't think we were trying to block him out. To my surprise, about a week later, he dropped off $150.00 for his part in the fee of the fence we now shared and remarked at how good it looked. We had not asked him for money but he felt it was due. We rarely spoke over the fence after that. It definitely separated us, but we hardly went a day without a passing honk and wave as he made his way to the gas station to meet with his boys or to check on his properties.

As the children grew, we ventured past his house on walks and bike rides. We would often catch him sitting on his porch, sometimes with his 'lady friend', so we'd stay and sit a while. He told me the park down the street was named after his family. He owned the land after he lived in its' run down house as a newly wed. When he and his wife built their new home, he had the 'old shack' leveled, leaving a vacant lot. He donated the land to the City of Logan with the agreement they would build a park. "They decided to name it after me, I guess", he shared. We are grateful for his donation and inspired choice to leave the legacy of Eliason Park. He was always generous with his possessions. The girls and I use Eliason park almost daily during the summer months- sometimes even in winter. Dan loved to see children happily at play and commented on how much more pretty that corner looked.

Dan was always out having a smoke until he developed emphysema and was put on oxygen. He pointed to his front fence one afternoon with his old sturdy finger and said "see that hole in the fence? I had to take a plank down so when the bishop would walk around the block for his exercise, I'd know when I had to put my cigarette out- I didn't want him to catch me, you see". We shared a good laugh about that one.

He taught me a little about the cattle auction and told me about his life as a butcher, meat processor and distributor. His company was Merlin Eliason Livestock and Trucking. I'd dare say he owned all the rangeland you see west of 500 west in Logan City limits. 

We would deliver him fresh garden tomatoes from the vine- his favorite. He would often give the girls a few nickels, maybe a dollar if they were lucky, just for being "so cute". Up until the last day we saw him he always reveled in how old the girls were getting, what "good, sweet girls" Mick and I had and how much he enjoyed us. Our affection was the same toward him. The last time we spoke was in the middle of the road, him headed to his physical therapy in his red truck and I in the crosswalk headed to pick up Liberty from school. He had oxygen and a smile, his legs hurt but he was out and about with his trademark conversation and personality.

We will miss him, and are happy he has rejoined his wife after 20+ years without her. What a great neighbor he was to us.  

 

 

July 4, 1916 - October 14, 2009

Six months ago Grandma Perkins told Mick that he "had two years to do something important with his life".

He was not quiet sure he understood what she meant considering he had already married, had three children, and graduated from Utah State. What more important things could be left?

"Like get a Masters degree or have a son" she continued.

We had a good laugh. Only Grandma Perkins would say it so bluntly. Her forthright was amazing! One of the qualities I admired most in her. The best part is that she always coupled it with her continuous love and support and a good laugh. A splendid combination from a splendid person.

Today, I gave Mick a big long hug. As I wrapped my arms around him he said "My biggest fan is gone." My heart just about broke for him. "She told me I had two more years", he remembered sadly.

Gussie was a great woman.

One who stood tall, strong and honest in all she said and did.

I wish to be more fiery, firm, but loving- all in the same breath, just as she was.

She will be missed but remembered as a great example in our lives.

Words

Been thinking about this topic over the last several months now.

There is such power in words we do not say. Why do we choose to hold back some verses others? Are we really doing ourselves and others a service or an injustice? What purposes does holding back serve us or the intended receiver of our words? Why not courage ahead, choosing our words wisely and just let go of what we wish we would have, could have, should have said...and just say it?

Finally laying out the unspoken on the table, no matter how long it has been, has a way of healing and teaching us despite the outcome. The choice to say what needs to be said or what should have been said is hard, absolutely frightening, yet so liberating! What better reason do we need?

John Mayer has a song entitled Say. It has become my new motto.
Enjoy the song with its lyrics here.

What I've Learned this Weekend:

Covered wagons are 'cool', but I would not have lasted long as a pioneer- this sucker was heavy when fully loaded!

That UV rays get through... every time- even with a thick spread of spf50.

White skin is beautiful. White skin is healthy. White skin is just a sham! I want my spray tan back from last years famed photo shoot and infomercial. Would those who I blinded at the beach today be willing to reimburse my Mystic bill? Anyone? Anyone? No takers? Dang!
I'll continue my mantra: White is beautiful...white is beautiful...white is beautiful...

Cracked soles in my Chaco's equal another fork out of cash on my beloved shoe obsession. I think I'd give up my favorite bra in exchange for a new FREE pair- and that is saying too much!
What a picturesque slogan. Is Chaco in need of a new marketing campaign directed at females? Picture this in a magazine. On one page- a good looking rustic girl flinging her bra off onto the nearest fir, not a care in the world. On the next page- she's running through a flower covered meadow, eyes on the prize, which lie naked without feet and sitting on a bolder by the river waiting just for her. Oh, ya- that would be me in my dreams folks!

The crackling, spitting, searing sound of a campfire under the stars and pines is natures music to my ears.

Love is a challenge. Especially when it is hard, undesired and unplanned.

Aspen is as clumsy as me. Except instead of tripping over tree roots and dropping things on herself, she gives kisses to the ground and comes away with a fat lip, a nose full of rocks and a face full of blood. Why do we allow ourselves such romantic views of nature? The chase maybe?

Good friends really are the spice of life. Even if they will eventually break our hearts, the friendship is the ultimate reward if taken full advantage of.

Liberty likes camping because she "get(s) to kill animals and eat them". Or she very well could have been suffering from OFF Insect Repellent poison. Check out her rack!

Adversities come to us when we do not have the foresight to understand them, and yet they require patience to bear them. Patience needs to become my new virtue, but I do not dare pray for it yet! Hum, wonder why?

If deprived of a nap, camping with a toddler is much more pleasant for nighttime sleeping purposes.

I love a good arm around me and a chat around the campfire with my flame starter.

I need to get up to the mountains more.

Choices

There is a song by The Fray with a line of lyric that reads "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" It's been released on CD for sometime and every time I hear it, I'm reminded of choices. In particular, my hard choices, my right choices that I have made thus far in life and those I have yet to make.

It's true. Good things rarely come easily, just as good choices do not. Rarely is the right thing easy. If it were our society would be perfect. Hence our agency to choose the hard right choice or the often easy wrong choice is critical.

To ponder, pray, discuss and decide for ourselves creates a battle that only we must face. But the road to learning and introspection- that road is the greatest gift of the process. Only after the hard choice, the right choice, do we feel at peace with our decision. Then the blessings come whether we realize them or not.

Aim High

So I set some unrealistic expectations of items to get done the past two days although some were accomplished. Always aim high, that's my motto!

I managed to go buy flowers and vegetable plants and plant half my flowers. I emptied a whole truck bed of compost (by myself) into my garden boxes, one flat-tire wheelbarrow load at a time. Back and forth, back and forth. Go me! Last year the boxes were not as full as I had wished. Thankfully, my friend Regina's mom was in town and wanted to take my kids to the park with her grandchildren. With Abbie down for her nap at the same time, I scraped every last morsel of soil from the truck in just over an hour! Efforts without children in toe occur so much easier.-Many thanks to willing souls!

I hit the road for my long run on Saturday night because it took me all day to really want to get 'er done if you catch my drift. But oh it felt so good! Why did I not start my day with that momentum? Next Saturday I'm heading out early. Promise. I love to run to Snow Patrol. Highly recommend their music.

Lifted on Friday-that was easy. Not go crazy- you'll have to ask Mick and the girls if I accomplished this task, as they have a pretty good handle on my emotions from minute to minute. I would say I did well. I did not even attempt to finish refinishing the cabinet. It still lies in its same place as of a month ago. I wonder how many more months it will remain?

Life is busy.

As for the paint scraping...it never ends. The ligaments in my arms are even tired of it already. Just when I think I'm done with a section I scrape again and off flies some more loose paint. Oh the joys! This activity lent me hours of contemplation and pondering about many things. What else can a mindless job such as paint scraping provoke?

One characteristic I discovered in myself is that I care and that it hurts me when people do not.

Because many environmental factors contributed to my over all growth, you know nature vs. nurture, I hold onto people. What they say, what they do, and more importantly what they don't say and do. I'm not sure why I'm like this, but I am. I loathe that these interactions or lack thereof affect me. I wish I had an on/off sensitivity switch that allowed me to pick and choose which peoples actions I'm willing to take on, and which peoples actions I can still disapprove of but easily turn off with my switch.

I know many people with this great ability. I envy it. And in the quiet moments when my brain shuts down (like in the case of paint scraping) from it's daily menagerie, I'm left to contemplate matters of the heart that weigh me down and then I come to my own coping conclusions. One of which is this:

I figure if people really want to be a friend they will put in the effort as well.

Simple, I know. But it is too taxing on me to take on one-sided relationships in any shape or form. I cannot do it anymore. I'm not sure I even understand why I feel like I need to. Can't I just be kind to people and let them go on their marry way? Why do I feel the need to create a friendship bond with every walking person? Maybe I'm accepting of people for how they are but rationalizing how their behavior affect me? Social behavior and people lives interest me, that could be it! Maybe I lack a sisterly bond where I would have earned my desperately needed switch? Maybe I fear losing great people in my life who have been around for years and so I'm afraid to speak up. Those sound good to chalk up my issue to!

With that said, I dearly love all the people I forge relationships with (maybe that is the problem!) and esteem them all highly. Thank you to all the many loved ones and friends who bring the best out in me, who encourage me, who love me. You few who I'm blessed to count on two or more hands, life would not be the same without you!

Now somebody get over here and talk to me while I scrape paint so I don't have to have these thought provoking contemplations of self! There is WAY TO MUCH paint left to scrape! My head is starting to hurt as much as my arms.

MAYA ANGELOU'S' BEST POEM EVER

This was sent to me by Shauna. I like it and wanted to remember it.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
enough
money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
something
perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...


A WOMAN SHOULD
HAVE .
a youth she's content to leave behind....


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a past juicy
enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her
old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
one friend who
always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a good piece
of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her
family...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
eight
matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for
a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a feeling of
control over her destiny..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD
KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit
a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN
SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK
AWAY...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her
childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over.....


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she
would and wouldn't do for love or more...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live
alone... even if she doesn't like it...


EVERY
WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to
go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a
charming Inn in the woods....
when her soul needs
soothing...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a
month...and a year...

Bring on the shovel

Some times I want to dig a deep dark hole and go hide out in it for a while...
with my computer, Ipod and flashlight of course!

Director Harry said 'the camera loves' me; I'm not so sure I love the camera

More from my "vacation"

Now, I do not wear rose-colored glasses in regards to life, but my weakness is walking out into the sun expecting the roses to be brilliantly beautiful. Most times they are and I need my sunglasses. On the flip side, this is how I get disappointed. I view having 'great expectations' as a positive, so I will not change this idealistic philosophy. What I would like to change is my negative reactions to circumstance.

Amid a breakdown, or what I refer to as "my moment"; in between sitting on my rear for hours- literally in a hurry only to wait and pacing the cream colored hallways of WEDU filming studios, I had many moments. Moments of clarity, passion, laughter, heartache and downright frustration with some great people to endure it with.

Kris- (In the middle) My admiration of Chris and her example of positivity is invaluable to me. She was the rock of our group, and I appreciated her quiet strength. I told her later that I viewed her as the mother of our group. She quickly let me know that she was not the oldest.

Cheryl- Our enthusiastic cheerleader, kept the laughter constantly flowing. Even amid the tears that I regrettably passed on to her- she was light and funny. Sorry Cheryl, and you are perfectly cute. I'm aiming for a six pack when I'm your age! 'Crap' I'm aiming for a six pack now!

Rosa- was a blessing to me. The best roommate a five day trip away from home could offer. I grew intellectually, culturally and spiritually from her... by the minute. We also shared moments of such intense laughter that I thought my cheeks would burst, as well as unnamed bodily functions.

Ellen- I saw true beauty, wisdom, grace and elegance from Ellen and she made me feel like I was home with grandma Brown. What a treat! I will never forget the kind words she spoke to me. They meant so much to me. Thank you again Ellen. Her Husband Hy was an adorable man with legs of any youngster and he sported them well in his shorts everyday, despite the frigged temperature.

Mary Kaye (aka- Marybeth or Mary Kate)-She was a powerful example of attitude, perseverance and touched my fitness life in more ways than I know I comprehend now. Despite all the heartbreak during the week, she makes me still want to continue my goals. I will be reminded of her each time I tell myself "this is too hard". What a beautiful lady she is!

Tamera (or Ta-mare-a according to locals)- was my saving grace when she called a taxi and like my personal Joan of Arc rode into save me from what I had to get away from. Her sweet kindness was very much felt, and needed. She acted and I was grateful. There is much to say about someone who does what is needed without asking. Thank you Tamera. (with Rosa)

Laura- our daily image of a more beautiful brunette Jessica Simpson, was the life of the party and so much fun. Her eye tricks were amazing! She is a genuine girl, I like that most about her. I'm secretly jealous of how hot she looks in yellow and sparkly golden shoes. So Hot on set that she was steaming!

Suzi- Who's real name is Elvasuzanne, was stunningly southern bell, although not from the south. Her phrase, 'bless your heart' is even southern! She's a natural eye candy. I even witnessed several men at the studio and airport checking her out. Such a natural actress with golden locks and perfect smile! Thanks for the acting lessons Suzi.

Stacey and Chris- Stacy, the cute in-shape humorous girl, brought along her husband Chris who was equally funny and charismatic. He (they) bought a small group of us a high calorie pasta dinner complete with a monstrous size chocolate (Divine) cake because he was proud of us all. How thoughtful of them. What a great couple they were and what great tasting food after eating like birds all week. Thanks for providing new terminology and laughter along the way you two.
I'm glad the days of combat dumps are over! (Sorry, no pics)

Debbie- I'm grateful that she shares my vision of women. I'm thankful for her inspiring words and actions. It excites me to see other women stand up for their beliefs. Thank you Debbie for encouraging me onward,believing in me, and giving me validation and thanks. I appreciate it greatly. You are talented and beautiful beyond description. What a joy to know you and call you friend. I'm in love with your program.

Jordan- The production manager was such a sweet man. I had a nice one-on-one talk with him that really opened my eyes. He told me to chase my dreams and that the fear I should have is the fear of being old and not having done what I dreamed of doing most. He reaffirmed to me that I shouldn't worry about the fear of failure. It's wasted time. He told me how beautiful and intelligent I was and that the world doesn't see me as I see myself. What a good reminder that picked me up and took me out of my infomercial inducing self-loathing state of mind. (wish I had a pic)

I think this little pep talk helped inspired me to stand up for myself and finally declare what I was feeling during my experience in Florida (my moment): Which is, that I don't believe in the Societal view of women. Women to me, are beautiful besides the size and shape of their body, the color of their skin, or what they do for a living. Why do people not know or share this basic principle? I felt this way about the Pink fitness program the first time I heard of it and I still feel this way about it now. It was just a little hard to recognize amid the 'showbiz' life. I'm so thankful to have been reminded of this affirmation I hold so dear.

This is how I plan to raise my three daughters, so that when they have a similar experience as I had this past week, that they will rise above it all and move on, giving thanks for the experience and what it taught them. If there is anything I wish to do, more than anything in the world, it is to teach this philosophy to all the women and girls I come in contact with. Not just teach them...but make them believe it.

That was deep!

See more pics from Florida...I mean infomercial world, on previous posts.

I Got my Sticker!

I should say Aspen got my sticker.
It was a lovely Monday in Logan. Sun out, friendly white fluffy clouds, Mick home to watch sleeping children- a perfect day for a bike ride. Aspen and I headed for the county building, albeit a short ride, to cast my all important ballot of votes.

It was a lovely jaunt and I felt so light without the bike trailer full of bums. I think I may have even felt skinny (hah, a funny thought). It's probably more accurate to ascribe my lightness to a feeling of weight lifted from off me (I wish it was fat lifted off instead...dreams) from heavy decisions. I got my civic duty done, gratefully and happily. I no longer need to mull over issues in my head and I feel good about my decisions. Grandpa Brown, however, may not feel so good about my decisions, well... one in particular. Sorry Grandpa.

I will be in Florida for Election results. What a great place to be to hear the results. I'm looking forward to intently watching the close of the campaign with my roommate Rosa. It's exciting to have a change in our national leadership. Our nation needs it. McCain or Obama would do great as President. Both are passionate about their issues, about change, they are intelligent, motivating, patriotic, modern thinkers, and very driven. How could we go wrong as a country with one of these two men heading it?

I do however prefer one man over the other. I never vote in party lines. I consider myself a conservative democrat. What party does this thinking place me in? Oh the tug-o-wars I faced. I love politics. It makes me feel progressive, civic and important as a woman in a nation that will help raise my children. I cringe to hear people say 'my vote doesn't count' (ya you, you know who you are) or 'it is pointless to vote in Utah either way you slice it'. It is always important to vote. So many patriotic men and women fought for a chance to vote. Why do so many individuals take this tremendous gift for granted?

Politics is a part of us all. It is one thing that unites us and separates us. I appreciate that is does this most difficult job. We should all do our job and VOTE.

As Aspen and I made our way out of the voting polls she asked me who I voted for. In her mind it was only one vote I had cast. "Did you vote for Obama"? "I want Obama for President mom". "I like him".

I like that she is thoughtful, progressive, aware of the world, into politics, and knows who Obama is. I look forward to discussing politics with her and deciphering who it is I think she will vote for on her first Presidential election opportunity. I know she will take it!

General Conference

Fingerprints

Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small,
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls.
But everyday I'm growing up
And soon I'll be so tall,
That all those little handprints
will be hard to recall.
So here's a special handprint
Just so you can see,
This is how my fingers looked
When I placed them here today.
-Unknown-

This little ditty hung on the wall at my friend Sara's house. I recall reading it often when we would play in her living room. It was my goal to memorize it.

Today, at General Conference, our Prophet Thomas S. Monson, reminded us to find joy in the journey. That sentiment reconnected me to the memory of this childhood poem. Words are so powerful. They can leave a lasting impression on us- even years after we have read them. I'm grateful for the pleasant reminder.

It's Here!

October

I miss the taste of the chilling air

When October makes its mark.

On the calendar of life in my mind

Nature’s sweet time lies.

The smell of dew drenched morning

After frost tipped grass has melted.

Whimpering sounds of canyon breezes

Sent running round the mountains.

To see black clouds of coal burning stoves

As they spice up old cold houses.

And the scent of Sunday supper

Made of pumpkin pie and squashes.

This is the time when all relax

On front porches big and small

And take the time to breathe inside

The miracle of the season, fall.

-Jennifer Brown Perkins-

October makes me happy!

What I learned today

1) It's so nice to wake up at 8:00 a.m. instead of 7:00a.m. Thanks honey... and Abbie! What a treat.

2) Life goes smoother if you just get up at your normal scheduled time, even if an extra hour of sleep is soooooooooo tempting.

3) It is much easier to exercise earlier in the morning, not at 11:30a.m.

4) Service makes your day brighter, even if it does put you behind.

5) Girls like big trucks just as much as boys.
6)Tomatoes ripen quicker than people do. Does anyone need some?

7) If you have candy- children think your "COOL".

8) Homemade Oreo cookies are great, but not nearly as good as the real deal!

9) "Make beautiful everything around you", I try to accomplish this...I think!

10) Wonderful women "Inspire, Teach, and Encourage". I want to be a wonderful woman!

11) "Don't undervalue your abilities... Don't let fear of failure discourage you... Create".

12) If children are well loved and in the good care of their daddy, they will survive not being fed dinner until 9:00 AT NIGHT.

13) One of my favorite sites in the whole wide world is the soggy diaper bottom of my sleeping child...

who is so tired and falls asleep on such surfaces as dirty carpet, since her mommy forgot to give her nap #2 because of our crazy, beautiful day.

Such is Life
such is life

A Little on the Inside

With my Ipod on my purchased playlist, I prepared myself for a tough weightlifting workout this morning. I wish I had had the foresight to know how difficult it would be. I might have opted out. You know, fight or flight. I would have chosen to fly high and fast. A song came on, one which Mick introduced me to. He said it reminds him of the two of us. I heard this phrase and it hit me hard. I'm still choked up thinking about it. I was squatting 30 lbs and I pushed through the tears as they came streaming down my face.

The rains have been heavy, ground water had risen and my well was overflowing. I've had some inner turmoil lately, disappointments, challenges, frustrations. Nothing out of the ordinary from other people, I'm certain, but nonetheless difficult. But it was too much this morning. I've been studying the story of the 2060 Stripling Warriors from the book of Alma. I kept reverting my thoughts back to them throughout the week. Their example of physical strength, unwavering courage, and unshakable faith helped pick me up out of every squat on my last rotation. I'm so grateful for their inspiration.

It is too generic to say that life is hard. Yet equally too specific to explain all the reasons why it is. I'm grateful that each morning brings a new day and more opportunity to make life happier, more fulfilling and enjoyable despite the pitfalls. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met such a wonderful man and had three crazy girls! I do know that without the challenges, I would not receive such blessing. Hence, I'm learning a new hymn this week on the piano- "Count your Blessing". Something my Grandma reminded me to do of a few years back and that I need to do more often.