Reinvention

Years ago my Aunt told me that as women, we reinvent ourselves nearly every seven years. I believed her unknowing how and when periods of seven years would begin or end for me, but trusting seeing that I had just ventured out of breastfeeding my second child for nearly a year, preceded by 11 months of pregnancy, birth and postpartum. A tremendous physical undertaking dictated for chapters in any biology textbook, but seldom honestly mentioned emotionally in social circles. How can women not reinvent under such circumstances? Reinvention is quite literally thrust into our open arms and onto our leaky breasts.

Women are the Queen Bee of reinvention. We have to be to propagate the species. After all it is survival of the fittest. What if we did not reinvent? Our babies would die of malnourishment from attention, breast or bottle and we from suffering any (un)imaginable division of self both emotionally and physically.

Reinvention is healthy, necessary for growth. Even if done in a state of not knowing, taking one new challenge at a time we slowly reinvent a new normal. If the opposite were true we would be merely stagnant, constantly unchanging, unlearned and shrinking in growth.

There is no thriving in stagnicity. Stagnicity only leads to dependence, failure, regret, and emotional burnout. Yet ironically, this stagnicity is what seems to be somewhere within the cycle of each reinvention. Being sick of the stagnant is what spurs our change to the beginning of the next seven year cycle, if not for sudden changes like birth, death, moving, job change.

This stagnicity is precisely where I find myself emerging from. That and from necessity of a job change. I feel that to change the things I want to change in my current life, I need to "plant my own instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers", but with that comes so much change I am not sure I can see it through. My seed of confidence is buried so deep in years of dependency, rearing children and doing what should be done, and my faith just wants flowers to be blooming now.

Change for me does not only involve me anymore. It seems like grabbing my family members by the hand and pulling them off the cliff with me in the hopes that life will be better on different ground. That is twisted mom thinking. I feel like I need to have assured success before planting or jumping. That I am required to provide my family and myself that security. What is rediculous is that I will never have that security beforehand although I feel it is unfairly expected of me due to my life not being solely about me anymore. Flowers don't grow to maturity immediately after planting seeds so why do myself and my family expect this impossible task. I am learning to let expectations go because they are far too weighty and messed up.

So far the hardest part of my reinventing is setting boundaries, finding my own time to make change for personal growth, and keeping my family coming along without hurt feeling and potential upsets. Progress is slow. This evidenced in how long I have been studying just to take the GRE in order to get into school to get a Masters, then to obtain employment and earn money for needed changes. Each step is met with resistance, even securing study time is a challenge. Why is reinventing so difficult, and met with so much resistance from self fear and from opposition who loves us? I am relearning that change begins with me and I have to often times discount others which seems terribly unauthentic to my 36 year self.

Reinvention is necessary/difficult work that sometimes I wonder which, of what has been the same for so long will be lost amid the shuffle and which will transfigure along with the rest. That question has me simultaneously fearing and furthering this seven year itch. It also has me asking myself what it is that I really want for myself for possibly the first time in almost two decades. So long ago that I have almost forgotten I could make decisions that are best for me personally and not just as a mother and wife. My only consolation lies in that what I feel is good and right for me will only enhance my family. But because of them, I wonder if I can do it at all. Such a juxtaposition. How do women do it?  

A Moderate Feminist Mormon Woman whom God loves- that's me!

Conference was full of straight and to the point issues/doctrinal discussions. I have been stewing over one of my opinions about what occurred and what was said during conference weekend. While I loved and appreciated the refresher of spiritual nourishment that this conference provided me personally, it also made my heart heavy, super heavy, especially for my feminist sisters in the gospel.

I feel they were painted as lacking in: faith, moral authority, nurturing ability, kindness, meekness, a desire to mother, an ability to recognize male and female differences, etc.

As soon as Christofferson spoke about radical feminists, people immediately forgot the tender, important- oh so important!- words of Uchtdorf that "there is room for" everyone and diversity among members is essential to understanding and enjoying the many benefits of the gospel and church in our lives. I am so thankful that I personally have a witness of this knowledge and do not choose to shove people into a prescribed square box.

May we love a little more and judge far less. That is my hope for the women of my faith. We do not have to feel divided and forced to pick sides. We are only commanded to love and "bare one another's burdens that they may be light". How better can we bare those burdens than by understanding them?

For those who are unfamiliar with the term feminist- because it is rather broad and only one far left facet of it was mentioned yesterday to describe all, there are degrees of a feminist, especially a Mormon feminist woman. This article helps define many degrees and I encourage you to read it, if nothing more than to help you understand the Mormon feminists in your life which you love which may or may not include me.

I know that there is "room for me" in the gospel of Jesus Christ, I also know that I am a feminist who has faith, sacrifices, and chooses to stay at home with my babies. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me for so many reasons, not the least of these is because I declare to be a feminist. I know He supports me in raising my voice for the equality, fair treatment, and freedom of choice of women outside and within His church because it is also His cause. He loves us as He loves His sons. There is no division in His love for us. He is no "respecter of persons". Humans in their infallible nature, are the only respecter's of persons despite commandments not to be.

I am happy to report that I love all of you- women in particular- who do not align with any degree of the feminist movement particularly within the LDS faith whether yesterday, today or ever. I marvel at your abilities and try to understand your hardships. But I will suggest that your absence of feminist feelings does not negate the importance of honestly delving into, and discussing the voice of women's issues which many righteous women stood in line for the chance to be heard of, or have prayed privately about in their quiet places.

In the words of an outstanding researcher/writer of LDS women's history and stories, Neylan Mcbaine, "What I have felt has been missing in the past year’s dialogue [about the recent LDS Feminist Movement] is a discussion about how we can preserve some of the most beloved elements of our infrastructure and gender doctrine, while still taking an honest look at those elements that lack parity. In other words, how can we make sure that Mormon women continue to enjoy spaces in which to develop their voices – such as Relief Society, motherhood, and the worldwide sisterhood those offer – while eradicating the disparities in how and where those voices are heard amidst the larger church? "

There is room for this discussion because there is room for feminists in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

There is no need for ridicule and mockery over people's righteous and heart felt desires. No need at all. Especially not to make yourself out to be right, good and holy. I am certain by how I felt, that God himself must also be saddened with the actions of many faithful Latter-Day-Saints this past weekend in regards to subsets of people in our faith, including the feminist mormon women He loves.
 

I am JUST the wife

Typically I steer clear of posting about Mick's job. Not because it lacks some interesting and dramatic turn of events; some funny things which happen with him or co-workers, or those instances which irritate us; and definitely not for lack of Mick and I thoroughly discussing every aspect about it, and might I reiterate the word THOROUGHLY in bold, but because he has specifically asked me not to.

This is hard work for me. Painstaking work. I am reduced to being just the wife who shouldn't care.

I work at home without pay, out of choice. Mick works outside the home for pay out of equal parts duty and choice. We feel we do what needs to be done for the benefit of our family situation. Micks enjoys his job, for the most part. He is good at it. One of the best in the West, I like to amuse. We are grateful for his job providing for our needs. Mick does a great job providing for our needs.

Mick's job is not my job, mine is not his. But, because writing is a way for me to interpret or come to terms with anything of emotional consequence, of which consequence his job situation has become, I feel the urge to rant.  

I am even careful who I discuss many aspects of his job with, often feigning stupidity or lack of concern when what I really want to do is shout from the rooftops a few pieces of my mind to a few people in particular. But I do not. I will not. I will remain silent because I am just the wife.

Constantly I am towing the line of respecting his feelings about his job, encouraging him and choosing when to shut my mouth and suck up the disappointment or frustration. It is exhausting work.

This is not to say that I lack opinion. In fact I have very strong opinions about how Mick is treated at his position and how Mick performs his job and how all of the outcomes in the aforementioned categories effects our family, our relationship and our financial situation. The worst part about it is that it is not my job and I cannot do a thing about it except to deal with what comes or does not come our way- the latter being such a struggle for me these past 8 years.

So this is my gripe.

I am just the wife and sometimes being just the wife is not a fun place to be.
 

Good quote

Choose to live by choice, not by excuses,

Be motivated, not manipulated,

Be useful not used,

Excel, not compete.

Listen to your inner spirit and not the opinion of others.
Realize who and what matters, as well as who and what does not.

Don't worry about people or circumstances from the past, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future.

Be simple, yet complicated.

Have passion for life and those who make life passionate.

Respect the human body, love the human experience.
Learn what your journey is about

and live it.

Schools Out For Summer

Last day of school, 2013. Aspen 5th grade, Liberty 3rd.

I have still not recouped from May. It was nuts- something every minute of everyday. I am surprised the household laundry ever got done and that we all had clean underwear.

At one point when the home teachers stopped by unannounced, Mick and I met them at the door to visit with them on the porch. You know May is crazy when the house is embarrassingly messy for guests we consider friends.

One day the school held an emergency drill. As expected I remembered my ID to get on the school grounds to pick up the girls. Vanessa and I are each others emergency contacts for our kids. She helped with the drill. I picked up her kids. I made my way to get her son, stood in line, showed my ID and signed him out. Next I picked up Lib and Dana while pushing Sunny with Wyatt and Abbie trailing behind. After a few stops for chats with teachers and friends, I made my way to the exist for a visit with Vanessa and friends before walking home. Soon Vanessa's kids ran off into the school (aka: the burning building!) for something they had forgotten and others ran to the swings. My head was spinning everywhere trying to keep track of all the kids among the crowd. By the time Dana returned I was so scatterbrained and ready to get out of there that I left without picking up Aspen. Meanwhile, she was yelling at me- from outside the burning building- but I could not hear her. Finally Vanessa got my attention. I made my way back to Aspen, showed my ID again and checked her out. I am certain she will never let me live this down and will be recalling it long after I am dead and gone. Who does this? Oh, just me the crazy mom.

May 30th was the last day of school for Lib and Aspen. It was a crazy busy day that capped off the crazy busy month of May. School was out at noon and as tradition has it, we planned to kick off summer with our "Schools out for summer party". I spent the morning entertaining ornery Sunny (should have named her something less happy, although I am hoping she will grow into her name), filling over 100 water balloons, getting guessing games together, preparing food and venturing over to the school to watch the kick ball tournament- 5th grade vs the teachers. Teachers schooled the 5th grade, 14-4.

Aspen is in the middle, hand on her hip, blue pants, white shirt.

At noon, I heard the school bell ring and 10 3rd graders trickled on over to the house with Lib. They were laughing, excited and playing all over the back yard. The fifth graders took longer to arrive. When they did all 13 of them came with big elephant tears streaming down their faces, barely able to talk. I hugged them all and cried right along with them! "We want to go back and say goodbye" they all asked. So I sent them all back to the school to say more goodbyes and told them to come back happy and ready to party. It was an emotional day.

They party was well attended (lucky me!) and we had a fun time playing water balloon volleyball/catch and other games. By three o'clock, I was toast. Thankfully there were some friends to help me and Mick was our official hot dog roaster. These two pics are the only ones I took over the two and half hours.

Dana, Kade, Audrianna, Lib and Wyatt

Next up was Lib and Aspen's piano recital. They both played two numbers confidently and performed so well in front of the large crowd. I was proud of them and could tell they felt accomplished.

Aspen left right after her pieces to go to soccer tryouts for next season. She made the select team and will be traveling the state next year in search of stiffer competition.

I was in bed, sound asleep by 10:00pm that night, and up bright and early the next day to take Abbie and the carpool crew to preschool. The madness never ends but I love it!

Hooray for summer!