Tonight I feel bad

Although I know I shouldn't let certain things overwhelm/sadden/bring me down, they sure do sometimes and tonight would be that time.

Like for instance:

I wish I was a better listener of my children. I know for the most part I try as well as possible, but I miss that my eyes escape theirs in my haste to get stuff done at the same time as I listen. I listen less effectively when I cannot look at the person speaking. I wonder if my children sense that and feel my lack of attention during my multitasking. I think they do and it breaks my heart. Why do clones of mothers not exist? I could sure use one.

The older I get the more I realize exactly how little or how much I do during my daily grind, truly does not matter, yet I have to do them. In the big scheme of life what will truly matter is how we treated other people. I know this and yet I forget it in my need to get the laundry done, the children ready, keep the husband happy and find some sanity time.

Wonder woman may exist in science fiction, but she does not in real life. I know this fact. Still I feel that I should be doing more or being more and I feel guilty I'm not. Limits are placed upon me due to choices and circumstance but I also place them upon myself because of fear of change or fear of being unable to meet my most important obligations at the levels I have fairly or unfairly placed them at.

I think about people often, I pray for them, but I never contact them. I feel rushed and busy throughout each day that I tell myself I will write grandma, call Jeff, visit Marie and so on and so on when the children go to bed, or when they are quieter, or when Mick gets home. Do these perfect times exist? No. I also know this too. Still, I wait. I put people off and those people never know how important they are to me, and man does this make me sad and angry with myself. I wish I could give people all of what I have given them in the past, but I can't keep up. I also feel like I serve people I love the least in an attempt to love them more and then I end up setting aside the ones I love the most. Something is seriously wrong with that last sentence.

It makes me sad that being married lumps me into a pair of brains and people think that I have the same opinion as my husband, when actually it is usually always the contrary. I wish I was seen as Jen more and not just Mick's wife or the Perkins Family. I am one separate entity of a whole whose whole does not ever agree on everything, but always has to compromise. Because I am good at compromising, I get lumped and the injustice hurts. It stinks, really.