I've been thinking...

...and I like to think.

Thinking is good.

On average I think up at least one blog post per day. They are usually well written, not to mention well thought out and organized. Typing it out of my fingers never happens(enter all excuses here). Then the post is gone, lost forever with the mass of brain activity passing through my busy mom brain.

A problem, only because I need to write to get thoughts out of my brain because only then are they finalized and make sense.

My most recent brain posts, in a nutshell which will likely not make sense:

1) I love being a mom. I love Sunny. Sometimes I tell her I love her little turkey drumstick thighs as I nibble on them a little. She giggles then I giggle. All I could think when she crawled today was NO! Her movement means I'm doing my job and she is doing her job. She is growing. Growing is good. I am taking care of her. I am doing it well.
I am so happy I finally dared to have #4. What was I so afraid of? Oh right, all the stuff about parenting that I don't like. Stress, anxieties, sleep loss, spoon feeding, another schedule to lump on top of the already full five, loss of me time, loss of me, stagnancy of the mundane and remembering I will be in this routine for a few more years. The funny thing about it, is I know I chose it. 
Then as I even consider or give voice to the bad, the negative, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because the good is so sweet, because I am so blessed to have cute turkey legs to nibble on. I feel guilty because society, church, people who love me prefer I only give attention to the good and ignore the bad. I feel guilty because I find it incredibly inauthentic to do that, try as I may.
Next I get angry because I feel like I can't be 100% of myself 100% of the time to 100% of the people in my life.
In short, life is hard and I feel like I spin in the above circle constantly and that I am the only human being there.

2. I really need to start exercising... bad! I am just too lazy to put in the effort of visiting with a cardiologist, speaking with a dietitian, then putting an exercise plan in place. I also wish I was still getting paid to exercise.

3. Liberty is doing so much better in school this year. Sure makes my mommy heart happy to see her hard work paying off. Sure makes my mommy heart sad when kids make fun of her for wearing glasses and having braces. I pray that I will always have the ability to understand her struggles and know how I can help her.

4. Thinking I want to start a new blog and phase this one out. There is more than just mommy hood to celebrate, discuss and write about. Still thinking on a catchy name. Thinking I might chicken out even though I feel like I shouldn't.

5. My goals this year. Study for the G.R.E. Decide what field to study. Make progress in that direction.  Prepare to help earn money for the family and plan the right time to do it.