Housing a Human

Like a broken record I keep repeating "your almost done" as the hours, sometimes minutes call for an uplift.

Pregnancy is not a breeze for me. Never has been. Never will be. I do not mention that to receive some sort of pity party or praise for my endurance. I do not mention it with an ungrateful heart, because being so ill- four times now, has taught me invaluable lessons. It is strictly a fact. Pregnancy is extremely difficult.

Some women and pregnancy mix like a tall glass of sprite with cherry syrup. I always reply "good for you!" when I hear such happiness. Then I try really hard not to be jealous.

Hard work- deadly work, is entailed in housing a human inside of me. Each day for nine months is a sacrifice of body, mind and spirit. Though it may sound trite, it feels like a death of sorts, to give so much. Possibly it provides the insight I need for the changes ahead.

For the first four or five months when all I can do is lie in bed and have the world stop spinning for a duration of sleep, I thank God for the mercy. Each day I clutch a toilet bowl, bucket, garbage can, or tucked away cellophane bag as a refuse for my belly's contents, I'm reminded that this parasite I shelter will someday become a symbiotic relationship. As a mother I feel I'm promised that, another mercy from God, so long as I live up to my end of the deal to provide a body for my new babe's spirit to enter this world. For the days and moments I feel so sick I cannot take care of myself, let alone the three previously birthed babies, there has been Mick as my literal better half. I feel blessed to not be alone in this process even though in reality I am quite alone with the pitfalls of baby making. 

Now in the tail end with my belly protruding further than I imagined possible, every fiber of my being is exhausted, completely spent. I have been reduced to tears after doing the simplest of tasks which have become difficult or in not being able to do them at all. It has been a difficult transition to go from strength to weakness and even more disheartening to swallow my pride and succumb. 

No matter how challenging the previous months have been I will never regret doing it all again. Along the way I feel I've been buoyed up by helping hands and people who love me. I've been blessed during a sore trial. I'm reminded again that I can do hard things and that the Lord will make up the rest.

So little describes how much I cannot wait to meet this little person. To begin our next round of life lessons, surprises, heart aches and triumphs together. To go through what it takes to make a child live and grow on the outside of me, instead of the inside.