What is holding me back.

This post, by Cjane's guest author Angela Hallstrom, really summed up myself lately. Loved the poem, A Litany for Survival, by Audre Lorde too. So powerful! Both the article and poem were poignant and solidified exactly which answers I've been seeking and receiving.  

For me life is about taking turns. Turn right and go to this university as opposed to another. Turn left, pick up a spouse. Make a quick left again and become a mother. Now right once more, and in comes a new direction that will keep me aligned with my entire map of life's choices. 

Taking turns in life is likely the case for most women. Focusing on a turn we chose, before making a new one becomes paramount. We cannot be all we want all the time. Taking the left verses the desired right comes with a trade off we learn to appreciate along the way. Waiting to take specific turns may or may not be easier with age. Deciding when to make a new turn is even more difficult. 

Lately I feel another turn coming up. Do I take it? Do I wait?

Just the other day I wrote to a friend whom I've been doing writing work for. He's a creative genius and I wanted his professional input. He, as well as a few others have challenged and encouraged my writing aspirations. I explained that writing has only been a personal thing for me for so long, that it is hard to put personal out there to be seen, dare even criticized. Basically, I lack the confidence which rises from my fears and asked him if he ever felt the same.

"This is a discussion best had over a few cocktails and hard to put in a letter", he replied. 

Cocktails or no cocktails, he gave me words of wisdom I needed to hear. I'm grateful for his logistical, action oriented tips toward a direction I am just beginning to dip my feet into. 

He went on:

"It is actually pretty hard to find people that will give you constructive criticism. More often then not they will tell you the good things, not the bad. 

Insecurities try to poke their head out every single day. What we do with them is up to us. When those insecurities pop up ask yourself if there is something you can do to make them go away. Are you not prepared enough? Is there something you need to learn? Is there anything to be done about them at all? If there is nothing you can control, you simply have to dismiss them.

Even being a very confident person they sneak up on me every day, usually days I am not making much money. I start to question my decisions about following my dream. After coming up with a game plan of what else I can do to grow I dismiss them and remind myself that I have a solid game plan, provide a needed service and can do it better than most.

How do you put a number on your worth? Look for the market value of what you do and price yourself at the top of it. You can always come down, you can't go up. Besides, if you don't feel that you are worth top market value, you can and should change whatever you need to make yourself worth top market value.

I will just add one more tip that always helps me. Make your goals first. Imagine what you want. You don't have to know how to get there yet. Once you give your mind the goal it will come up with the how on its' own."

exerts from  A LITANY FOR SURVIVAL

 - Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn

...for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads...

...And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
 

...and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed 

but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.