R.E.M- Where art thou?

Last night I had a sleepover at the hospital.

I even got to bring my own pillows.

26 wires with electrodes were attached to my head, chest, back, both eye sockets, behind both ears, both sides of my jaw and on my legs. At first glace I looked like human spaghetti, but with a double take, maybe more like I may have just learned not to stick my finger in an electrical outlet.

I was hot.

So hot that Lee the tech took my picture... from every angle. I teased him that he and his cohorts in the lab secretly post scary picture updates on Facebook of each nights new sleep study patient. Really, what could be more exciting when stuck beside a computer watching someone sleep during all hours of the evening? Lee claimed pictures were taken "in case an electrode fell off, so he'd know exactly where to place it back on" and for the Dr. reading my assessment.

I choose to believe Lee.
Come to think of it, Lee never took one single picture of the four electrodes attached to my legs though. Umm.

I was at least pleased Lee took my pretty picture a million times BEFORE he placed the snore mic on my chin, oxygen prongs up my noise and some brush like bristles even further up my nose which tickled my cilia and produced a mighty sneeze.

Like I said, I was looking hot.

By the time my index finger was taped to an oximeter which was then taped to my arm and I was ready to "start the sleep session", I of course had to use the ladies room. My 26 new friends, chest strap and stomach strap joined me. Who knows if the mic was turned off...

Did I mention there are several video cameras located in the sleep room? With all this junk attached to people, loud snoring choruses, sleep talking, sleep laughing and sleep walking; techs have got to have awesome sleep study stories to tell. The best Lee had to share was: "I had two separate old men wake in the middle of the night, make their way to the garbage can located on the other side of the room and urinate it it, rather then use the toilet that was four feet away. I didn't have the heart to say wait! stop! All I knew is the room was going to smell really nice in the morning."

This made me laugh some tired giggles and then immediately pray my semi subconscious self would do nothing out of the ordinary in my sleep. For a split second in the middle of my prayer I had to remind myself that the sleep techs could not hear my thoughts.

Strictly out of fear that Lee would have a new and better story to share with tonight's sleep study victim I could not for the life of me, fall asleep. Well, that along with taking a mess of 26 tangled friends to bed and crap stuffed up my nose.

Luckily the bed was comfortable and I had my squishy pink ear plugs. I could have sworn I was back in the ever noisy labor and delivering wing with guests coming in and out of doors all night. Must have been my sleep study neighbors electrodes that kept popping off...

Eventually, after what seemed like 6 awakenings trying to untangle myself from wires in order to reposition- I got some sleep.
"Two good R.E.M cycles" said Lee when he woke me with a tainted good morning at 6:30 am.
"Aren't we supposed to have four cycles of R.E.M each night, I spoke with morning breath and a mess of hair as Lee tugged tape off my face. 
"Yeah, most people do".

No wonder why I'm so tired all day, apparently my eyeballs need to be moving more rapidly to insure I'm fully functioning through out the day.

I don't get it.

All I hope is that a little R.E.M. finds me this evening, even if I do have dreams of some bald guy serenading me with his music of the 80's.

Nighty night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
If they do, bite them back.